Calls From Costa Rica

38 (or postscript.)

2009-05-12T20:21:00.000-06:00

wormholes and spatial divides.

so two and a half weeks swallowed by the city. everything moves fast, but i move slow, or slower. i've heard the words "more relaxed" and "comfortable" to describe my return to the cityscape. i'm not interested in a fanfare for my return, and so far i've escaped one.

i have more undetermination than i've had my entire life. i'm not confused or lazy or unmotivated, i just have a lot to figure out and that is okay with me. i have time to figure it out, myself, my life. i owe it to myself to take that time and not be consumed by obligation. if there was one important thing i learned in costa rica, this is it. and i have four months to take it one day at a time.

slow and steady, one day at a time.

The real voyage of discovery
consists not in seeking new landscapes
but in having new eyes.
-Marcel Proust

37 (or packing up.)

2009-04-29T07:59:00.004-06:00

My final weekend in Monteverde was filled with being outside and having fun. Sitting in rocking chairs sipping wine and playing Trivial Pursuit at Bobby's Decahedron in the middle of the woods. Saturday afternoon he had a barbeque as well and I spent the afternoon in the hammock soaking up the last bit of sun and good dry season weather.

There was also a big festival in Cerro Plano, starting over the weekend but went through the following weekend. Bull riding, ranchero tricks, dancing, carnival games, churros, and little tiendas. So between the BBQs and the festivals, I'd say it was a great time to take in the final pieces of Monteverde life.

On Sunday there was another big BBQ up by Bromelia's at this guy Dario's house. The weather was perfect, the feelings were perfect, and I know that it was the best feeling I could have, at least the one to leave on. Things were sweet, I want to go back. I got out of my shell. I made a lot of really great friends, residents, in the Monteverde community, and I'm really going to miss them a lot. Quite a few of them I really didn't start hanging out with or getting to know until my final couple of weeks. But one of the good things about technology is that it keeps these networks open, so I don't lose this friendships completely.

On Saturday we had our Film Fest at La Feria of our documentaries on local farmers, as well as one about traffic in Monteverde (in the vein of Koyaanisquatsi). It was a big day for La Feria; it was its anniversary! The normal hustle and bustle was still there, but it was great to see so many people to join us in our corner for the film festival, or even just stop by and applaud. A few of the farmers we worked with have stands every week, so I think it was really nice to hear them talk and feel good about their work. I felt good watching it all, at least. Along with these presentations, on Monday and Tuesday we had our community symposiums at the Institute. These were the big ones we worked up to the entire semester, it was scary and surreal to think they were actually there (and that as soon as they ended we'd be gone). The turnout was pretty good, but I know the Institute wants to see more community involvement, and struggles with it. But these symposiums were better than the last, so it takes one step at a time. I may have a job working with this after I graduate. Who knows?

After the symposium on Tuesday we went to Anibal's for our last bonfire. Periodically throughout the semester Anibal, our course coordinator, would have get togethers on his family farm. Sometimes to work on his house (which he was building at the same time as being our coordinator AND being in school in San Jose), other times just to play. So this was it. Hot dogs and marshmallows, beers, climbing around a half built houses and being silly. Almost the entire gorup was there, along with a few of our professors, and I really, really couldn't have had a better group of people to have this experience with. Matt mentioned this in his blog, but the group dynamic of a pilot program requires something unique from each person, and our group had something really special. Our relationships with our professors, as well, were way above the call of duty for them, and I appreciate all of it. I'll really miss this.

In case you don't believe how beaten we were from the work, this is Matt, pitifully exhausted, but still trying to have a good time.

We were all pretty ridiculous at the end. Quinn being ridiculous:

But at the end of the day, well, it's all love.

With all the work finally over, Wednesday was our one day to run errands and pack. It wasn't actually a free day, because we had to be at the Institute by 3 to do evaluations and have some final wrap-ups. I spent the morning with Emma roaming around Santa Elena buying last minute things and eating Tres Leches cake by the old bank. The weather was turning, it was cold and damp, like when we first got there. After finishing up things at the Institute, we had our Family Good-bye banquet at the Friends School. All the families were there and it made us remember how much of the community we impact. Monteverde is so diverse in it's community make-up, but everyone here, tonight, was who kept us grounded in our time. Who we came home to every night, who made us dinner, taught us Spanish, made a home for us. Ariel started night classes that night so he couldn't be there, but Mari was there. Everything was beautiful. They had two piñatas, one for the little kids and one for us. I could stop laughing. It was so cute.

Thursday morning no longer was a far off pinpoint on an itinerary, it was here. There isn't much to say about it. Maribel made me a big plate of plaintains with natilla and pineapple. She gave me my favorite mug (she had two of them), so whenever I drink coffee I can think of Monteverde. Ariel was a jokester as usual, and while we all had our qualms and issues, I really did become a part of this family. I saw how each one of us grew. After Evelyn picked up my bags I walked down to the high school where we were meeting the bus. Maribel walked with me, since her work is on the way. She cried the entire way.

What is there to really say about San Jose? We ended where we began. We went out for a nice dinner, puttered around the hotel, had our last gallo pinto breakfast (which was nowhere as good as our families' gallo pinto, for sure), packed, and flew away. We were torn from the roots without any decompression, but we all ended well. So I don't know what's in store for us.

The first chapters of lives almost made us give up altogether. Pushed towards tired forms of self immolation that seemed so original. I must, we must never stop watching the sky with our hands in our pockets, stop peering in windows when we know doors are shut. Stop yelling small stories and bad jokes and sorrows, and my voice will scratch to yell many more, but before I spill the things I mean to hide away, or gouge my eyes with platitudes of sentiment, I'll drown the urge for permanence and certainty; crouch down and scrawl my name with yours in wet cement.

So I woke up in my own bed Saturday morning with a feeling of lightness. I'm taking it slow and steady, but that didn't stop me from getting sick. It's been nice, though, the return so far. There's a shift in weight. It's all familiar and easy, but I feel a foreignness. Resistance and acceptance are balanced. My heart will tell me what's right.

Get lunch with me and I'll tell you everything.

36 (or turbopower.)

2009-04-28T09:33:00.004-06:00

The last organized, whole group field trip we had at MVI was at the end of March, to the Tilaran Windmills. This trip was my highlight of the semester, I think, or the one I was most excited for. In Nicaragua I had my breath taken away by that windmill, and it was an indescribable feeling of me, small and human, against this massive, majestic wind turbine, in the middle of an expansive grassland and empty blue sky. We stopped at a farm along the way and had lunch.

After that trip we were on our own. Most of us had a lot of work to do on our final projects for Environmental Sustainability and Topics in Ecology. For Environmental Sustainability, we were working with local farms who used a biodigester and lombricomposting to produce methane gas to use (or sell) the leftover as fertilizer. SO we visited two farms, Gaudy's and Carlos's. I don't think I could have picked a better project, working with them. Our team produced a 9-minute documentary on biodigestion (IN SPANISH!) and I'm super proud of our work. Hopefully I can get a copy of it. In the meantime, here are some snapshots!

Mid-April was Semana Santa, or Easter week. Originally, week was supposed to be a bit of breather. NOPE. Almost all of us ended up working straight through it. Way bummer. At least I got one day off. Maribel, Ariel, and I went to Mari's family's farm out in Turin:

On Easter Sunday, Janelle, the director of the institute, had us over for a picnic. We made Easter eggs and hid them for the little kids, and took a little trek down to the river:

After Semana Santa it was the final crackdown on work. We were at the Institute 10-12 hours a day, even spending most of our weekends there, so we had to also come up with small activities to happily get us through the day. Like hiking to the fig tree or baking.

The last in the series, but certainly not least, the final weekend and goodbyes.

35 (or monteverde.)

2009-04-28T08:21:00.005-06:00

After Nicaragua I carried my camera with me everywhere.
Here are some splatterings of Monteverde, outside the Institute.

My favorite breakfast, really. natilla, plantains, coffee in my favorite mug (which my mom ended up giving me!! she had two.)

This is my mom Maribel with her boss's daughter.

Brazel. By the end of my stay he thought of me as his older sister. He's the best.

That's my brother. Four months is a very small time to know someone, but he grew so much over my time there. We all did.

That's Freddy. He's my uncle. I think Brazel took this photo.

Esteban. When I got home from Nicaragua there was this boy staying at our house who was helping Ariel at the Lavacar. He's 21, believe it or not. He was a really great addition to the family and made me feel super at ease.

Here Mari and I are picking frijoles on Freddy's farm with his two kids.

I spent too much time here.

This is from the time I learned to play Canasta at Dulce Marzo, my faaaaavorite coffee shop/bakery in Monteverde. I spent many afternoons here playing cards, or Trivial Pursuit (1981 GENUS EDITION), or just gossiping with Katie, the barista.

La Feria. Farmer's Market. Saturday mornings were spent here.

Post office! DIdn't spend too much time here, compared to how often I am at a post office in the states. I really just loved the design of it. Despite the fact that Costa Rica doesn't really have an address system, it's pretty good with mail.

Alejandro.

That's Raul and Diego, Alejandro's roommate. They play music sometimes and were jamming out at Diego's tienda.

Diego and Amy! I only had the opportunity to get to know Amy for a month before she left Monteverde to move to FRANCE for three months before school, but she really was my right hand for that time.

Speaking of Amy, we went on an adventure to the Monteverde Reserve. Here are some photos:

Stacey is from Canada. She was also a volunteer at Creativa, where Amy was volunteering as well.

Continuing on, this is CALLIE! He was the first friend I made from the motorcycle gang. He rode from Portland, OR to Monteverde and was hanging out for a month before heading back to the states. He took me to climb my first fig tree

Milan. Also motorcycle gang, but he and Andrew were continuing on to South America, hopefully getting to Chile or Argentina This is him packing up.

Andrew. I really miss these dudes.

Speaking of DUDES, here's a crew for you. Yanni, Dario, Andres, Orlando, and Gerry. Awesome.

Anna and Gerry.

NEXT UP: Windmill farm, Semana Santa, Finals at MVI, and summer-age.

34 (or colors and oceans.)

2009-04-28T07:19:00.005-06:00

SPRING BREAK 2009

San Vicente:

Palo Verde:

Lake Nicaragua:

Grenada:

San Juan del Sur:

Playa Junquillal:

33 (where we left off.)

2009-04-28T06:17:00.006-06:00

Okay, so, I left off at the beginning of February with photos. But maybe I should just start from the beginning.

First week:

Group Orientation:

At MVI:

San Luis Coffee Farms:

San Gerardo:

Okay, so that takes us through the big trips in February. Next up is spring break: Nicaragua and Playa Junquillal. I'm saving all the family things for their own entries.

32 (or 1000 photos later.)

2009-04-20T13:56:00.012-06:00

Back in the United States.

I arrived around 2am Saturday morning, collapsing in my bed at my dad's house just as I expected. Woke up with an odd feeling of detachment. This feeling will last until I collide with the reality and weight of my departure.

collision is such an ugly sound.

The end of Costa Rica was nothing short of sweet. Well, in some ways it was, I suppose, since I was leaving. Our last Saturday morning we had our agricultural film fest at the farmers market and it felt so good to see the final products and so many people from the community watch and comment. On Monday we had our Oral History & Material Cultural symposium and every seat was filled in the auditorium and people made comments and asked questions and had discourses about our projects and that's what this is about. It's about the community. Matt and I decided last minute to present bilingually ourselves and I am absolutely, absolutely thankful for his friendship and comraderie, in the classroom and outside of it. 100 percent. On Tuesday we had our big, intimidating ecology and anthropology symposium, which went well, despite being 8 hours long. And from there we packed, had our final goodbyes, and were torn from Monteverde. I walked with my mom down to Santa Elena on Thursday (she was going to work, I was going to the bus) and she cried the whole way down. I need to call her this week.

Socially, the final week was filled with bars, fiestas, BBQs, slip n slides, hammocks, salsa, and being pined after. Pura vida. I learned how to act out this concept. After three and a half months, the life wasn't romanticized anymore. It was just life. It was just living. And it was healthy, with or without the charm.

When I got into Charlotte I started crying, and it is the only occasion during this entire farewell process where I did. Everything was so bright and loud and mean.

Luckily DC and Baltimore are not so much those things. The people, I mean. Saturday I unpacked and cleaned and James picked me up and we went to Baltimore to see Good Luck. They closed with 1001 Open Hands and right before they played it, "This song is for Hillary from Max and it's about being positive about the future." And I think I can do that. I think I can be positive. I feel this shell around me, but I think it will become more malleable as the days go on. What I liked most about Saturday night was that I was not overwhelmed by "SO HOW WAS IT TELL ME EVERYTHING BLAHSLBADDSSK." It was just a "hey, nice to have you home. let's hang." and that's it. Once I get settled down I will want to tell everyone about everything, but I don't have the capacity currently to really...to talk about my trip. I'll get there though, I promise.

As I said good-bye to Yanni last weekend, he said something along the lines of "whenever you feel bad, you will be able to return." And right now I don't feel bad. I ask for patience, though, allowing me to go slow with my reentry. But my heart will let me know, let me know where I will go.

huge, HUGE photo posts coming within the next few days.

31 (or lead/follow.)

2009-04-17T10:20:00.005-06:00

DILEMMA: WHO WILL DANCE SALSA WITH ME BACK IN THE STATES?!

OR MERINGUE.
OR CUMBIA.

SERIOUSLY.

i'm really going to miss piropos.

30 (or USA! USA!)

2009-04-16T09:29:00.003-06:00

Invited to watch the sunset and make grilled cheese tonight up in Gringo Hill.
The offer came after drinking two Pilsens at Moon Shiva last night and I was really only excited about the idea of eating grilled cheese.

But the sunset will be okay, too. Like, real okay.

Oh, the staples of my US diet. I had a spoonful of peanut butter a couple weeks ago and it felt like heaven. Part of me wonders if I'll still like sushi, or ethiopian, or indian. What about mac and cheese? What will my first meal be when I get back home? So many foods I haven't eaten (and so many food I will be unable to eat after I get back).

I will wake up that first morning home and panic.

But here I wake up at 5am and my mind fills with "to-dos" for my return. Dentist, haircut, shopping, trashing. I will have more options for breakfast, more options than the handful of shirts and couple of dresses and trying to swing an outfit with the sole pair of Levi jeans that now have more than half a dozen holes in inappropriate places. And the vans, the poor vans.

Purge purge purge. I will have TOO MUCH STUFF.

I'm excited about the getting rid of lots of things. But the disposal must be swift and quick, before I have a chance to get nostalgic over everything. Luckily there's a Baltimore clothing swap within the week of my return. Before I left the States my dad and I went through most of the closets and the basement and had about three full carloads of things to take to Salvation Army. I can't wait to get back and get rid of all the (relatively) stupid things I've held onto for years and years and years that take up space. All I want in my room are my records, my books, some clothes, and a bed. And I'll have a sweet new computer, which is pretty cool, too.

Simple simple simple. Its not something that has to only exist on the road.

Yesterday I played an indoor soccer game and got all bruised up but it felt so good to run. Soccer over study groups.

Exams are over, I picked my classes, I have a room, and things are coming to an end. Now it's just the final push for research papers and presentations. The symposiums are Monday and Tuesday, so today I need to buckle down and finish this methods paper. TODAY. RIGHT NOW. SELF, I MEAN IT.

So everyday my feelings are up in the air. Monday I obviously was on the downside of leaving. Today I'm excited to return. Tonight I may feel different. Tomorrow, who knows? I just feel GREAT.

And that's how it should be.

29 (or semana santa.)

2009-04-14T09:45:00.000-06:00

I stopped at the vista yesterday morning on my way to the Institute. Sat on the rock and looked over the valley with the ocean swallowed by the sky. They're the same color in the mornings.

And then I hear Manchita and Carlitos, the little rascals, chasing and barking at the parade of taxis and turismo vans going up the reserve. The doggy gang.

Take breaks from the Institute by going over to Alan's to watch howler monkeys and cook food and draw and talk about jobs with Annie and it all seems so plausible.

Staying, living, being.

Over Semana Santa I went to Turín with Maribel and Ariel. Vast farmland with a vast amount of family and I spent the day exploring old gold mines and riding horses to the river with Brazel sitting in front of me (he's grown up so much in four months!). After lunch I sat on the front steps of the main house drinking coffee grown, harvested, roasted, and brewed by the same hands that served it to me, on the same farm.

The seeds are sewn and I wonder if the sprouts can survive the season without me.

I dig my heels into the ground and try and keep time from pushing me over but it's impossible to stop so I just choose not to sleep.

Which isn't the best strategy for the final week. But I need these channels to be open. I sacrifice something either way, and I'd rather give up on dormancy than on my support.

At La Pension Diego says he doesn't want to see me like this. Ten to twelve hours at the Institute and I come over looking tired and not so much broken but filled with a painful hopefulness. I tried to explain the whole "growing season" thing and he asked me if I thought living here was a fantasy. I was taken aback, somewhat offended, because the point is it isn't a fantasy, I don't want it to be a fantasy. This is real. This is my life. I have something here but it's so separate from my life in the States that I wonder if it will just be like a wormhole and close. This place will not stop existing, I know that, but I'm scared that as soon as I step back through that door into the noise, the heat, the concrete, this chapter in my life really will turn into just a dream, a blip. I can't let that happen. I've gained too much ground for myself to let it all slip away.

So I won't.

This is nothing new, this travel and meet and move but plant and grow and pick up and let go and risk and see. And I asked in the first entry, pre-departure, if this trip was any more consequential than the rest. Is it? I don't even know what I meant when I asked about its consequence.

It's just another landmark, another stake in the ground for this garden.

Growing roots.

28 (or siren.)

2009-04-07T08:26:00.011-06:00

10 hour workdays at the Institute. I wish I could say Semana Santa is a blessing, but it feels like a curse. The country shuts down for four days and I should totally take it as a break but, well, you know me. No breaks until the work is done.

The boys leave today.
Spent the last night eating comida china at La Pension and drinking tea.
I wake up smelling like smokefire.

Patient eyes and soft voices.

oh, we're so c-c-c-c-c-controversial.
we are entirely smooth.
we admit to the truth,
we are the best at what we do.
and these are the words you wish you wrote down.
this is the way you wish your voice sounds,
handsome and smart.
oh my tongue's the only muscle on my body
that works harder than my heart.

One night last week at Moon Shiva, a friend told me I was unaware of my abilities. Maybe I'm just not willing to accept them.

So September, on the back porch in Pigtown he said "You need to accept and appreciate how incredible of a person you are..."

His actions spoke louder then than his words.
So I acted, too.

It was the Get Out of Jail Free card. Because as the sheets twisted, I was across town curling an old flame around my finger, no matter how badly I would be burned come November.

We prefer to remember the destruction over the construction.

I know my power when I walk into a room with that big smile and those bright eyes. How many free drinks can I turn down in a night? I am fully aware of my abilities, I know the hurt I can cause, and I cry harder on those days when I hold the knife than on any day when I'm the only one wounded.

But the temptation to play the game...
I just have restraint and willpower.
And I am still just as hopeless as the rest of the romantics.

That's why I stayed home for so long.

Take a drink.

It feels good to be called beautiful. And smart. And intelligent. And powerful.

Take a drink.

So I enter the game I say I don't play.

I can do it anywhere with anyone at anytime don't you forget
this is my life and it's going to be good, don't you know
not a promise or a threat or an ultimatum, though I can do that too
I'm just telling you, I've got this life I've got to live
I'm just following through...

If I say I play, then I start playing by the rules.

Maybe then I won't let you down.
Maybe then I won't lose so sorely.

27 (or prep.)

2009-04-03T13:06:00.002-06:00

Classes taper off which means research mode is in full swing. Multiple interviews daily, literature reviews, proposal meetings...we have two weeks to get everything together. My final projects are:

ENVIRONMENTAL SUSTAINABILITY: THE VALUE OF POOP: BIODIGESTORS AND SUSTAINABLE WASTE MANAGEMENT SYSTEMS
FIELD METHODS IN COMMUNITY HEALTH: PIROPOS: DEFINITIONS AND REACTIONS
DEVELOPMENT AND SOCIAL CHANGE IN COSTA RICA: DOROTHY ROCKWELL'S LITTLE BLACK BOOK: SCRABBLE IN THE QUAKER COMMUNITY

We have a huge community symposium on the 21st of April which will be bilingual and totallyyyyy overwhelming.

I also have to start getting my things together for next year. My class schedule for next semester should be as follows:

MGT 245 M 6:30-9:00 (Organizational Behavior)
MGT 247 MWF 10:30-11:20 (Introduction to Human Resource Management)
MGT 210 TUTH 10:00-11:15 (Financial Management)
ART 382 TUTH 12:00-1:15 (Visual Remedies and the Consolation of Philosophy-Topics in Early Modern Art)
ART 204 TU 6:30-9:00 (Digital Imaging I)

And that means Spring semester is:
ART 230 (Sculpture I)
ART 268 (Early Renaissance Art)
MGT 231 (Introduction to International Business)
MGT 320 (Small Business Management) - I AM SO HAPPY MY ADVISOR CHOSE TO TEACH THIS AGAIN AND FOR MY LAST SEMESTER
MGT 375 (Strategic Leadership for the Arts Administrator)
MGT 380 (Strategic Management)

And I pray pray pray there will be no scheduling conflicts.

I really wanted six classes next semester but one just got switched back to spring semester. So just five for next semester, and six in the spring. I don't have a choice, really, and I'm bummed that teaching Connections is no longer feasible. I'm actually looking forward to getting back into the grind of my disciplines in the fall.

QUESTIONING MY CAPACITY.
I'm looking forward to, relatively, sacrificing all the extracurriculars I used to do to be an awesome profile student. I'll have class and I'll have a job. And maybe live off campus. I sent an email to Kate yesterday that said "I can't wait to come home to you," so we can have sewing projects and grow a garden and make our pancake breakfast with old bay potatoes and listen to records and sing cute acoustic music and snuggle and giggle in our nest of a bed and even if we don't live together just living and breathing in the same city as her will be enough to keep me fulfilled...

...and not be concerned with gender roles perpetuated in bar culture or discriminatory words begin thrown carelessly like a drunken game of darts. We have to pick our battles and I should realize I probably won't win this one here. So I try not to get wound up in it and find alternatives to these situations. Like wine and cheese parties at Michael and Kamila's when I'm not falling asleep, or dinners and movies at Mike's. I still go out and I still enjoy it but I'll be more at ease when my social nightlife has more options than those that revolve around a bar.

...but my afternoonlife revolves around delicious baked goods and reading at Dulce Marzo so I think I'll do that riiiiiiiiight NOW.

26 (or reign//rain.)

2009-03-30T12:59:00.004-06:00

I've been feeling presidential, emotions torrential, so many things to do, so much potential...

Mid-week breakdowns, procrastination. I don't have the motivation to get my priorities straight. Class ends, independent research begins, time creeps.

Filming, interviews, literary reviews.

Baby sloths, fig trees, howler monkeys.

Summer sun, summer rain.

Big beds, small talk.

Beginnings, endings. That's part of traveling.

Just read Peter Pan and all I can think right now is...

tick tick tick...

25 (or post.)

2009-03-25T16:37:00.002-06:00

I look at the package checklist with your name crossed out. I used to joke about sending myself around the world, and although I'm smaller than you, I probably wouldn't have fit into a padded envelope, either.

It's all stupidly punk rock and I love every moment of it. As soon as Arthur Killroad came on the mixtape I stopped and played it a handful of times and almost started crying so I walked outside into the mountain sun with butterflies and birds and squinted in the afternoon light and got all those feelings of summer in my stomach and heart and it can only be amplified because this emotion isn't a weight, it's just a solid.

So I smile and sit with my legs stretched out in front of me reading zines and eating crystallized ginger and i love every minute of it, like you reminded me (like I needed reminding).

IT'S ALSO REALLY HARD TO NOT LOVE MY LIFE WHEN I GET TO HANG OUT WITH THE RESCUED BABY SLOTH BENITO CURRENTLY CARES FOR DURING LUNCH OVER AT THE GALERIA OKAY YES!!!!!

24 (or candid.)

2009-03-23T12:13:00.003-06:00

Beginning last week I got into this habit of waking up for breakfast, going back to sleep, and then waking up again fifteen minutes later and getting ready for school.

When I woke up for the second time this morning I looked out the window and said aloud ¨Today is a great day.¨

Day 10 of good feelings.

Unfortunate departure from a rapidly founded friendship. Maybe it was less about the language barrier and more about the inability to listen. Unfortunate nonetheless.

This weekend was great for these reasons:
+ Homemade Flan for breakfast on Friday
+ Tilaran Windmill farm
+ Eating doughnuts for the first time in 3+ months
+ Farmer´s Market as always
+ Finishing Book 12 at Frisbee
+ Trivial Pursuit with Max and Katie at Dulce Marzo
+ Moon Shiva always. Finally getting into the spirit of things
+ Visiting my farm for Environmental Sustainability and learning how to make cow manure into a sustainable energy resource!
+ It´s totally summer.
+ Bright-eyed boys from Oregon who take you to climb strangler figs and make you dinner and may or may not let you ride on the back of their motorcycle even if it´s against the rules for you to do it.

just ate confetti cake for Molly´s birthday and it was SOOOOO good.

I reread my copy of Two Thousand and Great this morning and while that was only four months ago it´s amazing, absolutely amazing how much my perspective and vocabulary has changed since then.

growing new roots in fertile soil.
this morning we tromped around the forst behind the institute and I wondered if I smelled the earth or the air. Why is it so much easier for me breathe here? Is it physical or psychological? or both?

...I will not hold my breath. I will breathe while I know I can, without panic.

two thousand and shine.
two thousand and fine.

two thousand and nine.

23 (or defying the gender role.)

2009-03-18T10:54:00.004-06:00

Back to the pencil skirt and white button up, waspy necklaces and ecuadorian nene bracelets. Maribel washed my Vans over the weekend and they don't look as bad as I thought they would (I can live with the rips and still look presentable). It's amazing what I've put these shoes through in just a couple months.

As progressive as this country is environmentally, it is still traditional in acting out gender roles. and in many ways it's refreshing for me; women are still empowered and respected within society, and I'm adapting (not changing) myself to function within my gender role. It's not domesticating, it's just different, and in some ways I feel MORE empowered as a woman here than I do in the States.

I am a white woman from the west with privilege and power. I am separated into a category as a guest, a tourist, even though I am here long term. I'm prone to a lot more criticism and speculation, not because I'm doing anything wrong, but because my identity, physically and mentally, prevents me from abiding or adhering to every rule within my social role as a young female in Costa Rica. I fall between the lines. No one knows quite what to do with me or where to place me in this society.

Since Thursday, I've spent most of my extracurricular time with Amy, Diego, and Alejandro. It's impossible to not see Alejandro every single day. I pass his house at least twice a day, and I pass his tienda at least twice a day. But more than that, I like spending time with him, even if I'm sitting on the couch doing work while he's outside washing his car. But I'm a great person to speculate, what's that gringa doing that Colombiano's apartment? Assumptions and speculation, reputations, who's rules am I breaking? Amy proves to be a close ally, but she leaves in two weeks. While I adapt, Alejandro adapts, as in, seeing me as an emotional channel rather than a physical (which, believe me, caused quite a tension for the first few days of our acquaintance). He has a lot of history, filled with violence and pain and problems and has close to nothing in this country (he has God), but he doesn't seek me out for sympathy. We don't interact within our stereotypical roles: the immigrant necklace maker and then gringa tourist, both looking for a shot at exotic love. or sympathy. I can't help him, really, in a material capacity. I acknowledge my privilege and ethically I will not bow down to try and stabilize his life in this country. And he doesn't expect me to do that. But he now expects me to be there and I do have patience. I went to the tienda yesterday on my home from the institute and he was in an awful mood (who wouldn't be if they worked 13 hours a day, everyday, dealing with tourists who most times don't even speak Spanish, or at least attempt to be humble in communication?). Two young female German tourists came into the shop and I immediately felt him sieze up with impatience. I told him I was there if he needed me. They were quite nice, actually, but he was quick to judge and shut himself off and didn't make much of an effort to get their sales. So I stepped in, served as his buffer, translating, and made the deal. He wouldn't have made those two sales without me, and I think he knows that, just because I was patient and calm and didn't criticize or condemn him. Is that what a woman is supposed to do with a man? I helped him count out the drawer and walked with him to his house. We sat across from one another in his living room, drinking fresca naranja in mugs, and didn't talk.

There are moments when you have to take a risk, to do crazy things...

...but love is much like a dam: if you allow a tiny crack to form through which only a trickle of water can pass, that trickle will quickly bring down the whole structure, and soon no one will be able to control the force of the current.

Willpower. Power and privilege. Preservation and conservation. Civil war and civil intentions.

Defiance.

22 (or loose.)

2009-03-13T12:47:00.004-06:00

One of the reasons I chose to spend my semester in Costa Rica was to get out of this academic mold I've been in, well, forever. I did pretty well up until midterms, and then went on spring break, and with all the housekeeping this week I sort went back into the only thinking about school and grades and went back into stupid mode. so i needed to be durastic and DO SOMETHING TO BREAK IT OFF.

Well, first it broke when Michael took me to Stella's and bought me pie. Afterwards we headed back to the Institute, grabbed binoculars, and Matt, and headed out to El Sendero Tranquilo behind the institute to try and find some Quetzals.

Which we did. Five of them.
First spotting since I've been here.
I still think their heads look a little funny but they are resplendant nonetheless.

So that cheered up my spirits. After class I headed into Santa Elena to run some errands. But still wasn't satisfied. I needed something else...

So I went to supercompro and bought a Toña. That's the Nicaraguan cerveza. 625 colones.

I don't really know what I planned to do with it when I bought it. Drink it, yes, but I didn't know when or where or with whom. It would be my fourth beer since I've been here. I had a Toña in San Juan del Sur and it might have been the most enjoyable experience I've ever had with a cerveza, so originally I just went to supercompro to see if they even carried it. Which they did. So I started walking home and ran into Helena and Abby. In excitement, I showed them my discovery and asked if they wanted to be belligerent and have a happy hour with me. They declined. I think they were just taken aback that I was so excited about a beer. We ended up walking back to my house and hanging out for a bit. So here's me, with an open beer, 6 o'clock in the afternoon, hanging outside my house. Maribel comes outside and is just like "you know you can come in. do you want to come in?" so here I am, giving a tour of my house to Helena and Abby, still drinking my Toña. We chill out in my room and Maribel brings me a BAG OF BROWNIES. so I have my cerveza in one hand and brownies in the other and I can't stop giggling. We make plans to meet up later at Moon Shiva, they leave, I eat dinner and get ready for SALSA DANCING.

Dulce Marzo hosts Salsa Dancing classes Thursday evenings before Moon Shiva's salsa night. It's only 2000 colones, Matt was the only one going, so I decided to join him and work on my moves. Which I did. And it was great. Sam was there, too. I met some girls who were on spring break and went to AU. Weird. I was super hyper and goofy because of the beer (you really don't drink ever, do you?), but I think it was a combination of just finally breaking out of that mold again. I also think 2000 colones a week for some dance skill improvements is a good investment.

So post dance lesson we headed over to Moon Shiva. It was packed, as it always is on Thursdays, and spent the first half of the evening chatting it up and settling down. Salsa'd with Matt, Anibal, this other guy Tim from class who teaches at CPI, and got some pretty nice compliments on my following skills (YEAH PLAYING INTO GENDER ROLES!). But really, I'm learning to love dancing here.

I took a break for a bit and sat with Matt. I told him about the summer and how the only thing I wanted that first day I was home was to be asked to dance at my ex-boyfriend's grandparents' wedding anniversary (he's Chilean), but he never did. It would've been nice. I really just wanted to dance with someone who could literally sweep me off my feet. Next thing I knew, I was. His name was Alejandro, from Colombia. He taught me to Meringue and asked me to dance multiple times throughout the night, to which I obliged. It also turns out he currently lives right next door to me. Not sure how long he's around for, but hey, now I have a sick dancing teacher. Honestly, dancing in Latin America is so civil and sexy and fluid and refreshing and...non-aggressive in a way of flirting or simply communication that doesn't seem to exist in such a combination outside of Latin American dance, at least I haven't seen it.

So that's me, breaking the mold with my one beer and salsa dancing.

and I feel totally good today.

21 (or title fight.)

2009-03-11T16:00:00.002-06:00

today has been an emotional rollercoaster. but good news comes from good people and i know i know i know i'm just too hard on myself all the time.

duh i miss you! will send the letters today then just figured it would take longer then that. i booked --------- again in may 2 days after you get back so you will get to see them!!!

i'll have a homecoming show. that's awesome. that week is going to rule with so many good feelings and i can't believe everything that's happening.

so that means i'm thinking about summer. absolutely frustrated with trying to figure out collegiate things today, but it seems to be an enduring process that will get figured out sooner or later, and to my benefit, hopefully. but SUMMER. half nomad, half home. home? what is home? where is home?

I don't know if I'm good, and everyone knows it
You ever feel you were meant to be alone?
Because I saw a play and a character said
that he was destined to never feel at home
Don't go tonight, I'm looking for salt in a snow globe
Because what I had is slipping fast.
Dr. Howe, Please call back
I'm not sleeping in, I don't care
I'm singing loud but no one hears
I'll wake up tomorrow and still feel wrong for these days
What I had is slipping fast
Dr. Howe Please call me back.

january, 2008. anaheim, ca.
i saw that photo this morning and started crying. there are days where i feel absolutely stripped of my skin, my protective layer of friends all over the place and as much as i want to scream i'm still here far away and i feel like i'm caught in some sort of soundproof, bulletproof box. i got so flustered with my feelings that i had to walk away, go on a walk, somewhere off campus to clear my head. i ended up at the quaker library checking out more books that will subdue whatever cravings i have for home comfort. is that why i read so much these days? in the meantime i'm trying not to have my heart spill all over the keyboard and i know the whole not always accessible thing is GOOD in the long run (right?) but somedays it's just too difficult.

i will not relapse into old patterns.

these feelings are bookends to an ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC spring break.

we began in the small town of san vicente in the nicoya peninsula, spending a few hours in the artisan ceramic community. from there we went to palo verde to check out the dry forest. believe it or not, the dry forest is the opposite of the rain forest. surprise! it was super hot and all the trees lose their leaves, like in the winter for deciduous North American trees. the following day we hiked out to the limestone cliffs (that came from the OCEAN MILLIONS OF YEAR AGO) and talked about megafauna and evolutionary anachronisms. later we went out for some birdwatching and Emma almost stepped on a baby crocodile. Stayed to watch the sunset over the Guanacaste reserve and came back after dinner to listen to the frogs and look at stars.

I think the first genuine "take my breath away" moment of this trip was after we entered Nicaragua on the Monday, as we passed the windmills. next week we're going to the Tilaran windmills here in Costa Rica, but the absolute precision and mechanical beauty of these massive windmills in the middle of a somewhat deserted, hilly landscape, it hit me harder than any other sight I've seen, which feels odd to acknowledge. At any rate, we were in Nicaragua. We stopped by the ferry and the boys ran into Lake Nicaragua for some brief swimming. And behind them, the volcanoes. The water was perfect. We continued on to Granada, a Spanish-colonial town still under the mass tourist radar. My mom came here in the fall of 2007 and was obsessed with the doors. I completely understand why. For the first time since I was a photo intern for National Geographic (summer 2005), I had the pure motivation, and somewhat of a need, to go out and shoot film. I went out for a couple hours as soon as we got into Granada, and then the following morning at sunrise. I loved it. It was also possible I loved it for the ability to get away from the mass group of my peers.

Most of my time in Nicaragua was spent with Matt, who's become my salsa partner now for the remainder of this Central American adventure, grabbing the attention of locals and tourists alike. Even outside of that particular situation, he accompanied
me on some of my photographic journeys and was just a genuinely good companion throughout this part of spring break (well, in general).

Okay, so after Granada things went up in the air. We ended up not able to go to Ometepe, so the group changed plans to go to San Juan del Sur, a smallish surf bum town on the Pacific Coast. There was a little too much spring break attitude for me but it was nice to be at the beach on my own time and own accord.

We headed back to Costa Rica with the masses splitting off into smaller groups. I headed to Playa Junquillal, a black sand beach on the Nicoya Peninsula with eight other members of the group. We stayed at a small hotel run by an older German-Tica couple who were absolutely sweet and made it impossible to not be in love with the place. We were 100 meters from the beach. The town itself was made up of mainly older (post-40 years old) tourists or retirees, and a relatively large German population. We settled in on Thursday, spending the remaining but of the day after our arrival walking on the beach. On Friday we spent the morning playing in the surf and the afternoon RIDING HORSES ACROSS THE BEACH.

okay. I used to ride horses. I worked at a stable for multiple years during my adolescence, but haven't been on a horse since in multiple years. I was not going to pass this opportunity up. My horse was named Fandango (like the dance, not the online movie site). He was a smaller and less prestigious version of Rex, the horse I used to ride. Fandango had an attitude, a good attitude, but an attitude nonetheless. He just wanted to run. I wanted to run. We ended up running. It was great. I mean, quite possibly the happiest moment of my break, absolute, pure happiness.

On Saturday Emma and I walked down to Playa Blanca, which isn't really a white sand beach as much as millions and millions of little pieces of shell. We met the rest of the group, who had gone kayaking in the mangroves that morning (there weren't enough kayaks so Emma and I were going to go on Sunday, but that ended up falling through), and went snorkeling. It was my first time, and I enjoyed it a ton. I saw soooo many fish, and Emma saw an OCTOPUS. We returned to the hotel at sunset and Rainer (the owner) made us this absolutely fantastic dinner.

The later nights were spent playing card games and other camp-like activities. I really like Hearts. I also learned I am hyperallergic to mosquito bites, among other insect bites.

On Sunday we spent the morning at the beach, Katie almost got destroyed by a Stringray but ducked just in time. In the midafternoon we headed back to Monteverde, our cold, misty, work-filled residence, and as I listen to the Smiths I wonder in whose arms I will fall asleep (inevitably the carseat's, for now).

So that's where we are now. The final month of class, research proposals all coming together. We're all stressed, we're all overwhelmed, but we're in that time between the introduction and the immersion in our projects, so it's scary, the amount of work we have to do to get everything done in the next month. but it will get done, it will get done well (as Matt told me the other day, "we could never do mediocre work because we don't know how to."). We just have to, you know, do it.

20 (or mid term.)

2009-02-27T15:26:00.003-06:00

Well, I made it through midterms.

Tomorrow I leave at 6am for San Vicente, Nicoya, and Palo Verde to tromp around in some dry forest. And then Nicaragua. And then Playa Junquillal.

But right now I'm sick so I think I'll stop by Supercompro and buy some bulbs of garlic and maybe hunt down some ginger and echinacea.

Sometimes I wish I didn't have such fond memories of people and places splattered all across the landscape of the United States. Maybe it would make me miss you less.

But Costa Rica is still pretty cool, I guess.

19 (or who would understand a turtle?)

2009-02-25T13:57:00.004-06:00

Genna and Jesse give me HILLARY SANDWICHESSS which means they climb on top of me and then at the count of three roll onto their sides and hug me on the grass in front of the institute and it makes me smile SO BIG and get my head out of stupid worrisome places.

And then today my research group for field methods put me on time out because I was stressing so hard. So that meant I had to sit in the sun with my iPod while they finished writing our proposal.

Since I was good and didn't get up or complain Dani bought me ice cream at the Cheese Factory.

Today is full of great surprises and grins and midterms really can't be that bad.

So, it's cool.

You can also add Mogwai and Yo La Tengo to the list of the week.

18 (or nourishment.)

2009-02-24T09:38:00.003-06:00

MUSIC.
For the first few weeks I could only listen to Why?'s Elephant Eyelash. Really, that's all I could do to settle my nerves and transition from home to here. I also only used my iPod for long busrides or falling asleep. Sparrows, Swarm and Sing, Sigur Ros, Explosions in the Sky, Godspeed You! Black Emperor, nothing too loud, nothing too emotional.
In the past couple of weeks I started branching out a bit more. Last week was M83, The Clash, The Smiths, Laura, and Lemuria. This week I've moved to poppunk with Title Fight, First To Leave, Fairweather, and Rufio.
Music, in general, is a big staple. It keeps me from thinking too much about things that don't matter and getting too overwhelmed. So I rely on it when I'm not in the company of my crew.

LITERATURE.
I'm making great time with my 52 Books, 52 Weeks. I'm on my tenth book. Here's what I've read so far this year:
1. The Wind in the Willows, Kenneth Grahame
2. The Remains of the Day, Kazuo Ishiguro
3. The English Patient, Michael Ondaatje
4. Suite Française, Irène Némirovsky
5. Water For Elephants, Sara Gruen
6. The History of Costa Rica, I. Molina & S. Palmer
7. The Omnivore's Dilemma, Michael Pollan
8. Catcher in the Rye, J.D. Salinger
9. In Defense of Food, Michael Pollan

Right now I'm reading Everything Is Illuminated by Jonathan Safran Foer, which rounds out my first ten books for the first two months of 2008.

FOOD.
My mom feeds me two to three plates per meal. It's all whole food. I know exactly what I'm eating and have a relatively good idea from where it comes. The big staples are rice and beans, tortillas, chayote, coffee, fried plantains, papaya, mango, pineapple. For breakfast I've started eating eggs and tomatoes, which is pretty much the closest thing to Tamale House migas I'll ever get outside of Tamale House. Sometimes cereal, sometimes pancakes. But the big thing is it's all real food. Which sounds stupid, I guess, but so much time is spent making food, eating food, being around food that isn't processed or preserved. It means a great deal to me and really makes me appreciate nutrition and cooking tenfold than I did before, which was a lot more already than most of society.

FRIENDS.
I have my staples. I have my family here, with whom I spend most of my meals and time outside the institute. I have my colleagues, who are quite possibly the best people I could have in my classes and with whom I can share this experience. I have my professors, who love us and care for our well-beings inside and outside the classroom and give us more guidance than we can ever really thank them for. And then, there are the few anchors still attached by technology, the constant constants known as my parents, Kate, Alex, and Ohio Max. They keep me balanced and connected and stable and grounded...just enough to not absolutely hate the idea of returning to the United States in two months.

...wait, only two months? really?

17 (or motion in the ocean).

2009-02-24T08:42:00.000-06:00

Not surprisingly, everything becomes more complex as I become more settled. Branching out socially has pros as well as cons and I wish I embraced it more instead of resisted. I'm working on it.

Actually, not really. It stresses me out. Midterms this week don't make it any easier. My lack of appetite is a clear signal that I'm starting to let things get to me, as usual. I need to quit it.

Last week I called Alex and Kate and my heart absolutely swelled and poured out through the miles and miles of cables and wires and satellites and whatever keeps my veins running through these countries back to home. My whole life perspective is shifting and I'm really excited about it. There are some things I want and wholly embrace. Others, I don't.

On Thursday I went to Moon Shiva. It was my first time out since the first week or so of our arrival to Monteverde. It was nice. Spent most of the night talking about wine and cheese parties and My Bloody Valentine. My abhorrence of bar culture is slowly breaking down because of non-creepy attention. But that might also just be how things work here.

Saturday morning I woke up at 4am to head to Puntarenas. The last time I spent the day at a beach was over four years ago during my homestay in France. Puntarenas was nice. There were fiestas all weekend so the beach was pretty crowded. The water was perfect. We stayed with Maribel's aunt, who hosts a handful of students herself. One of them was around, a 20 year-old Tico named Dennis. They set us up on a date. It was awkward and strange and we were both pretty shy. It was pretty great, actually. We went out to the parade and walked along the beach for a few hours and more and more stars came out and my Spanish skills kept us at a good pace of discussion. So, I've improved a lot, essentially, or at least have more confidence in my literacy.

On Sunday he accompanied us to the beach again and we swam in the ocean and did more walking along the coast. Around 2 Maribel and I leave to return for Monteverde. Plans to return? Perhaps. After Nicaragua, sure. But that was that, or so I thought.

He called me last night. I guess I made a bigger impression than I thought. And I flipped out in my head. Maribel kept saying it's nothing, stop worrying, and I should, but I can't. I don't want this. So I'll ignore it. I want to study and read and go out and meet people and make friendships. Last year I got way in over my head in romantic pursuits and it really left me in a bad place at the end of 2008. I want to establish myself here in my own identity, in self-sustainability, and I don't see myself being able to accomplish that with men liking me, whether I choose to pursue them or not. I have a great distrust in fast-moving things. I purposefully didn't bring anything with a memory attached to it on this trip.

I am stubborn in my willpower. But I can't afford to put trust in anyone except myself and my groundwork right now. And I won't. I won't back down.

I have work to do, anyway.

16 (or no matter how much a girl says...)

2009-02-16T10:26:00.003-06:00

no matter how much a girl says she hates roses and chocolate, she still loves roses and chocolate.

You never told me it would be this hard
I think my body's saying so
When you're not here its got to go, it's leaving me
But I hope that you're o.k.
Even though I'm dying
I hope that you're still trying to have a killer time
Go see the volcanoes
Go see the rainforests
I'll be fine by myself
I'll be fine without these bones.

I didn't go to Moon Shiva on Thursday. Headed down to Santa Elena with Emma to get our secret valentine's gifts! To begin, let me give you an idea of the composition of our group. 20 girls and 3 boys. 10 girls from each college, the 3 boys, obviously from Goucher. We decided the week prior to do a secret valentine exchange, which involved a handmade card and something under 2000 colones (we all ended up buying one another snacks for our trip to San Gerardo on Friday). The boys opted out immediately, which was dumb. Still, great fun for the rest of us. We exchanged presents Friday morning before class. I had Sweta and made a card out of origami paper and bought her some chocolate chip cookies. Genna had me! I got a brownie, a bracelet, and a love mix! And a card that says "I love you more than there's mist in Monteverde." Such a great start to my weekend.

So we depart for San Gerardo. We arrive by bus to the Santa Elena cloud forest reserve, and begin our treacherous descent to the field station in the Children's Eternal Cloud Forest. Our guide, Mark, was hilarious and really gave us a good hike. It took about 3 hours to get down there, even though it's only about 3km from the Santa Elena Reserve. So we get there, to our field station in the middle of the cloud forest, and we're looking out onto Lake Arenal and the volcano. WHAT.

Two bunks per room and hammocks all along the porch. I set up shop with Emma, Quinn, and Genna. We have a late lunch and then a lecture from the station manager and Mark and learn all about amphibians. Eat dinner and then get ready for our night tour! where, you know, we see more nature. In the dark. Towards the end of it we turn off all our lights and close our eyes and have to count how many calls we hear. At least 8, according to Mark. It's breathtaking how loud nature is when you don't have the hum of civilization.

So Saturday morning I wake up, not even thinking about Valentine's Day. Around 7am I head down to breakfast, and see the three boys already there. Jesse looks pretty dressed up from the back, so I call him out because we're in the middle of the forest and get dirty mighty fast. He turns around, actually, all the boys turn around, and have rose and baby's breath boutonnieres and Matt and Jesse are wearing formal vests, they have a love mix playing over some speakers, and I look on to all the dining tables which have been set WITH valentines, artisinal truffles, and roses for each of us. No joke, I started crying. When all the girls finally get downstairs and the whole suprise factor begins to cease, they serve us breakfast. Pancakes! Pineapple! OJ! Coffee! Granola! It's the most romantic Valentine's Day I've ever had and all before 8am.

So then we go for a morning hike, you know, see more nature. Return for lunch and then prepare for our ascent up the mountain back to the Santa Elena Reserve. I'm not kidding when I say ascent; it's a straight up 3km ascent through mud and muck. If you don't stop and walk fast, it's supposed to take about an hour to get back to the reservce. The goal is for us to be there by 2, but we should walk at our own pace and in smaller groups. It's about 11:30 now and I see Matt packing up. As I walk past him he asks if I want to go hike to the waterfalls first. i don't hesitate to say yes.

We don't tell anyone we're heading there (we rebel by seeing more nature? no sense.) So Matt, Abby, Amanda, and I head off for another trail to the cataracts. We're all fast walkers, so it only takes about 15 minutes to get there.

Just in case there was any breath left worth taking, this took it. We weren't looking at the waterfall, we were in it. Jesse was already there. We spent about an hour at the waterfalls, wading through the water and then hiking up to the top. It was so perfect, all of us completely amazed.

We get back to the main trail by 1:15, giving us 45 minutes to get to the reserve. Mark's just heading out, so we hike up with him. I was the pace car for a while, but the ascent really wore me out. Luckily, hiking with other fast walkers pushed me to keep going, so we didn't manage too badly and we made it by 2. I was, however, absolutely exhausted and covered in mud and looked forward to a shower and sleep.

Sunday was my first real sleep in where I didn't have get out of bed by 7, 8, 9 or even 10! Unfortunately my family is still dysfunctional. que mierda. Sundays are toss ups for drama. My brother moved out again. Hopefully things will calm down soon. Soon soon soon.

So today we're back at the institute and I got a package from my mom with letters and leggings and a sweatshirt and valentine candy. sugar! I'm super thrilled about the letters, which included a zine, a letter from my friend Travis, and my reading log for 52 Books, 52 weeks. I'm on my seventh book of the year, so I'm keeping a good pace. I wish particular people kept in touch more, but what can I expect when I'm not currently or physically part of their lives? It is what it is, I guess.

At least the weather is nice so I can wear summer dresses.

Photos to come sooner or later, as always.

15 (or body heat.)

2009-02-10T14:28:00.000-06:00

dear global warming,
who knew you could produce massive global cold fronts?

we have a natural disaster once a month, it seems.

also, the media has no fear of showing dead bodies. or wrecks. or anything, really.

so last week wore us all out. it stormed nonstop and for a week i was soggy and cold and there was building tension in my house, which culminated in ariel moving out? i don't really understand what happened, but he's back. at any rate, i've moved out of the honeymoon period and it isn't a bad thing; i acknowledge and accept my roles here as a student, a guest in this community, and it's good timing, i think.

in terms of class, we focused on dairy farming. in class and in spare time, i went to a different farm friday, saturday, and sunday. on friday i went to a farm to understand the "landscape of dairy farming," which was more about the ecological design of the farm (windbreaks, isolated trees, etc.). but i milked a cow. on saturday i spent the day at the farm of our course coordinator, anibal. we were supposed to help him work on his house, which he is currently building, but the rain kept us at his parents' barn for the morning. the rest of the day we toured the farm and ate sugarcane and, you know, hung out in nature.

sunday the weather started to get better, finally. i went with maribel to her family farm and picked frijoles negros. i met a student from a different program and spent the afternoon with her and her friends from the CPI program, who's only here for three weeks (well, one week left). i realized i starved from social contact, which means maybe now i am ready to add that social dimension into my life? we'll see what happens thursday at moon shiva.

valentine's day this weekend. the twenty-three of us are hiking to san gerardo for an overnight in the middle of, well, the forest. how romantic! sunday we'll all be back on anibal's farm building, followed by a bonfire.

today is the first day of SUN SUN SUN. we're back to summer weather.

and it's all still pretty exceptional, you know, sloths, rainbows, motmots, tucanettes. i have yet to climb a stranger fig or see a quetzal, but they'll come soon enough.

14 (or sights.)

2009-02-03T11:58:00.001-06:00

This is my house.

This is our carwash.

Ariel.

Emile.

Me in the laundry room.

Brazel, my cousin. give this kid a camera and he'll be occupied for hours. he took the picture of me above.

Jimena, the young girl who clung to me like a koala when we went to Las Piscinas in Guacimal on Sunday. That's my hat.

here are some photos from the group outings, taken by myself or various members of our group:

from the hot springs. taken by elise.

MATTMATTMATT. by me.

jesse and me at irazu. taken by genna.

welcome to monteverde. by genna.

santa elena cloud forest reserve. taken by matt.

this is the monteverde institute. also taken by matt.

sarita, the cutest. taken by lynn!

and last but not least, the big ol' group.

it's the first week of february. 25%.

13 (or habits and home).

2009-01-29T13:22:00.000-06:00

Matt said it takes 21 days for something to become a habit.
I was really close with the cold shower everyday habit.
and then last night IT WAS WARM.
back to square one with that one.

Other habits come easily. I'm used to the all toilet paper in the trash can thing. I'm used to rice and beans for every meal thing. I'm used to hike up the mountain to the Institute everyday thing.

I started classes at El Instituto Monteverde two weeks ago. With me are 22 other students; 12 from Goucher and 10 from Mt. Holyoke in Massachusetts. I'm taking four classes (Environmental Sustainability, Intermediate Spanish, Field Methods in Community Health, and Development and Social Change in Costa Rica), and every Friday we have a field trip, whether to the Cloud Forest Reserve or the café farms or SOMEWHERE. I have a lot of work ahead of me, but not much to distract me besides the weather.

It's in the 20s here (CELSIUS, of course), early summer, with lots of sun and sometimes we're in these mist rains, which means we're in clouds, followed by rainbows. There are more stars than I think I've ever seen. We've got some sloths, too, and miraculous birds. The town itself, well, there are three towns connected by one main road. At the bottom is Santa Elena, the downtown. They've got the supercompro, farmacia, bar amigos, and where most of my classmates live. Walk up a steep hill and you hit Cerro Plano, where I live, and where most of the hotels are. on my way to the institute this morning i counted between 15-20 hotels in a 2 km walk. the divide between cerro plano and monteverde occurs when the road moves from paved road to dirt road. Monteverde was founded by expatriot Quakers in the 1950s and is still this ex-pat oasis of sorts.

Within this rural community there are stratifications and tensions, obscuring the definitions of ecotourism, sustainability, etc. etc. etc. Yes, it is beautiful, but this is a real area with real issues and strong undercurrents of change (but why these particular changes and what are the definitions and implications of these changes?). I will spend my semester discovering some answers to these questions.

In the meantime, things are constant. I have a great home and a great host family. They are pretty much the best family for me. From the first day we clicked and it's all very natural and I'm very much already a member of the house, not a "renter" or "student," although in third person am referred to either as "la estudiante" or "muchacha," but also in closer quarters just "mi hija." No English. I eat dinner with the family and do dishes and the other day slept in the same bed as my host mom (I'll get to that story in a minute) and while most of that doesn't sound totally odd and out of place, several of my peers do not have the same sort of familiar relationship with their families, at least not yet.

So, who are they? my mom is Maribel. She's in her late 40s abut doesn't look it, and works at the panadería in Santa Elena. She's not a huge fan of meat and is lactose intolerant, so that eases my nutritional obsession. one of the other major factors i noticed was how i know where the majority of foods in my house come from, as in, it's all real food. apparently this is a sign of class, although opposite to that in the United States. many families who work in the ecotourist industry (at least the families, again, my peers live with), eat a majority of processed foods, from the United States. With the influx of "ecotourism" in this rural town in conjunction with CAFTA, food in the world of commodity as well as nutrition is, at least to us and some of the researchers here at the institute, becoming a relatively large area of study. but back to my family. Maribel is a wonderful woman who loves taking care of me and spending time with me. It's another woman in the house. Her fifteen year-old son, Ariel, is a good-hearted teen. I've roughhoused with him on a few occasions and have been able on a few occasions to match him in strength. He's playful, for sure, but also respectful and responsible and truly good-hearted and loves his mom. our house is also the lavacar freddie(which is, believe it or not, all hand-done), which he works on Saturdays, which is the only day it's really open.

and then there's eighteen year-old Emile, who's still very much an enigma to me. He's Ariel's best friend, and in many ways Maribel's second son. He lives upstairs and eats practically every meal with us, watches tv with us, is always around except for showering and for sleeping. He walks an hour everyday to work in La Cruz. I know nothing about his parents. I've very much taken a liking to him, and to this whole family dynamic in truth, so it's good. There's always energy in the house, which is quite small, but I have my space.

They built me a new room this weekend. For my first week I lived in Ariel's room (while he either slept in Emile's or his mom's room). And then on Sunday, a man came and started building a room, splitting the master bedroom in half. None of us really prepared for this building, and it was too late before I realized that a doorway needed to be drilled out of the concrete wall of what was then my room.

Everything in the house was covered in a thick, concrete dust.

So I didn't have a room for a night and slept in Maribel's bed with her, which was an idea she seemed to prefer over me sleeping on the couch.

Although I still don't have a door, I like my new room.

I also like how simple my life is. I'm back in grade school, except with a little more mental stimulation. I wake up at 6 everyday, get ready for school, eat breakfast, leave around 7 for the Institute with my ready-made lunch, spend the day at the Institute, get home by 6, shower, eat dinner, do homework, read, maybe watch a little tele with the family, and go to sleep between 9 and 10. no extracurricular to-dos, no distractions, bare bones life that I haven't had in, well, a decade. I'm hoping we can organize weekend activities that do not include going to the bars, with which I'm still not super comfortable, although as I settle in more I will probably become more at ease with the idea. I remember talking to a former roommate's mom before I left the States and she said "if my daughter has told me anything about you it's that this semester will be a much needed, much deserved break from your normal habits." Which is a compliment, I suppose, and certainly one that YES, I NEED. I needed this.

The only question, then, is how it will be when I return.
But that's not a question I have any interest in tackling anytime soon.

I kind of sort of broke my computer so I'll have a big photo post next week!

12 (or for you letter writers.)

2009-01-23T16:17:00.000-06:00

from now until April 25th:

Hillary Anne Edwards
Mount Holyoke/Goucher College Program
Instituto Monteverde
Apartado 69-5655
Monteverde de Puntarenas
Costa Rica

please be aware that it takes 1-3 weeks, normally, for mail to arrive.
the smaller, the better (i.e. no boxes!!)
surprise me.

today we walked through the santa elena cloud forest reserve.
i talked to matt about the difference in romantic and classic beauty.
right now, this is romantic.
in three months this will be classic.

11 (or "in the clouds").

2009-01-20T15:32:00.001-06:00

my head runs in dual scripts.

where to begin? i suppose where i left off. i met up with the group of 22 other students from goucher and mount holyoke in la sabana sur in san josé. joined by our four professors and course coordinator, we enjoyed a few days in the city before beginning our journey to other parts of the country.

that's genna. i like her lots.

first, volcán irazu. it's the highest volcano in the country. the air was thin and the land was flat but boy was it pretty.

from irazu we went to cartago, costa rica's first capital. this is the country's most important church. i love churches. i do not have the capacity to believe in god, although in many ways i believe my life would probably be much easier if i could, i know what my heart believes, and it doesn't believe in that. however, i'm still fascinated by it. watching women and children and families crawl through the nave to the alter, heads down in prayer and yearning, it makes me hold my breath.

from there we went to sarapiquí and tirimbina to spend four days in the lowland tropical rainforest, where i woke up to howler monkeys and more earthquakes. i spent most of the week in pain and at the field station, sick with some infection what went from bad to worse to worst, to the point where i had to go to a doctor in sarapiquí. and it was super rural and he gave me three medications (antidiarrheal, pain medication for abdominal cramps, and an antibiotic), the former two proved of no immediate help and i got worse (there was a lot of blood and tissue coming from a place neither are supposed to come out of). so i missed quite a bit of activity and research but got a lot of love from the group. if i never have to put electrolyte powder in my water and eat rice starch ever again it may be too soon.

thursday afternoon i finally perked up and was able to go on a tour of the Dole pineapple plantation, my introduction to monoculture:

and finally by friday my sparkle was back! just in time to enjoy the hot springs at la fortuna and see volcán arenal, costa rica's most active volcano, at night.

and now i'm in monteverde. it's colder here than i thought it would be. we're in the mountains. it's green everywhere. on my way to/from the institute i can see the nicoya peninsula, which means i can see the pacific ocean. from the mountains. i also know when we're in clouds because there are periods of time where it's clear skies but very misty. i'll have photos soon.

classes started yesterday but this week is all introductions to my sociology/ecology classas and intensive spanish every morning. i'm really bored and want to be in a higher level, possibly. my spanish professor this week starts off every morning with stretching, in class we listen to classical or jazz or some sort of calm music, and then we end the class with a meditation. she's cool but i want to be challenged this semester. maybe next week when classes officially start with Cristina it will be better.

i live in cerro plano, closest to the institute. two other students live in my cluster. my host family rules. i think the boys run a car wash on saturdays. my mom, maribel, is a baker and we get along really well. she feeds me too much, however she is not a huge fan of meat and is lactose intolerant, so food-wise i'm doing very well. her son, ariel, is 15 and the sweetest boy. emile, also fifteen, lives upstairs but eats every meal with us and is always around, so i think of him as another brother. there's a great energy to the house but the dynamic gives me a lot of space. i like it. i'm on my second book since i arrived here.

and my spanish skills improve everyday, of course.

and then there's today, january 20th. the inauguration. we all went to the lodge up the hill from the institute to watch the events. it's very surreal to watch from abroad. everyone around me was crying and clapping and listening and it was a very positive moment, one that's still very hard to believe since we are away and separated. especially for me, seeing dc so chaotic and filled and not being in my city for it. i have a lot of thoughts about the whole thing but very little motivation to write extensively about it, so i'll just say it was a great experience to be a part of here and i know i'll see some good to come in the next 100 days, at least in optimism and hope.

-h.

10 (or earthquakes.)

2009-01-10T00:37:00.000-06:00

i felt three earthquakes in less than thirty-six hours.
SUP EARTH.

on tuesday we went to volcán poás and la lechería montaña.

poás was the epicenter of at least two major earthquakes in the past two days.
yesterday's 6.2 earthquake completely destroyed la lechería. totalemente.
such destruction in 30 seconds.

nature is much stronger than mankind.

stuck between romanticism and realism. i walk outside underneath the citrus trees and smell the orange blossoms, hear the river and the birds. i don't know if my eyes have ever seen so much green during the day and at night houses light up like constellations along the mountainsides. where coca cola and café run like water and i sit at a kitchen table set for 10 for afternoon tea. yes, it is as beautiful as it sounds, but it isn't exotic. it isn't a fantasy. this is a country. a small country, a strong country, an independent country, and a stable country that has simply welcomed me more heartily than i ever predicted. one where the president stands among and with his citizens during times of devastation. one where you don't see advertisements at the movies for the national guard. one of sustenance and cooperation.

and it is my nation for the next four months.

tomorrow the prologue ends and the expedition begins.
my spanglish already improved.

vámonos.

9 (or buenas.)

2009-01-07T20:41:00.001-06:00

currently in curridabat, san josé.
today i felt my first earthquake.
carolina and tristan leave tomorrow.
i already learned to "let go."

...i like it here.

8 (or good bye, baltimore.)

2009-01-04T09:23:00.000-06:00

When we're on different sides of the globe
I thought we'd keep our veins tangled
like a pair of mic cables,
And if there ain't enough slack to reach
that we'd solder them together
and across oceans they'd stretch.

good bye, baltimore.

7 (or less than 72 hours.)

2009-01-02T07:28:00.000-06:00

two thousand and nine
two thousand and fine
two thousand and shine
two thousand and slime
two thousand and whine

we'll come up with something good.

the remnants of 2008 are currently:
a temporary tattoo half-sleeve
an incredible mix swap
a hoodie from ohio

a satisfactory farewell to dc on new years.
moshed out the year.

alex left last night for israel and jordan. godspeed.

my to-do list finally fits on an index card.

6 (or esperanza.)

2008-12-31T13:17:00.000-06:00

I've had M83's Saturdays = Youth on repeat for days now.

I felt a strain deep down in my chest for the handful of days over Christmas. I am surrounded by noise here, infiltrating every corner of conscious and it drives me crazy, as if I'm in the center of a mob and everyone's back is to me but no one will stop talking. I rarely hear a heartbeat from these city streets, and I grapple for every centimeter of confidence and esteem I can get. This time around I've now deemed it a pre-departure confidence crisis, where I feel insignificant and pull away from everyone. It happens every time I prepare to go thousands of miles away, but this time I feel like I'm going through motions from the summer of 2006, when I emanated distrust toward everyone. I restrained the crisis for a long time but last week I caved in and let it consume me. Emotions fluctuate, a lot, but it's all part of the pre-departure process, I suppose.

The strain first broke on Saturday during a brief phone conversation with Kate, my anchor, my ally, forever. It settled my soul and I just needed to be back home in Baltimore in her presence as soon as possible, which turned out to be, although short, that night. I went up to Baltimore to Woodberry Kitchen with my mom and Craig, and the restaurant once again proved its worth as a divine meal, indeed.

Afterwards I drove over to the Black Cat Red Room to celebrate my friend Mae's 21st birthday as well as catch up with the friends I rarely see, both in-town and out-of-town. I've only been to the Black Cat for shows or Food for Thought, so it was refreshing to just hang out in the Red Room and talk, ever so loudly over the music. It was a much welcome reunion. I left smiling and slept smiling.

Sunday I drove to College Park for post-Christmas dinner with Karen and Peter and a couple other people. Sitting on the trunk of my mom's car in the parking lot at Plato's, the weather was mild and relieving. My confidence began to build again and I stepped back on solid ground with playful banter between good friends. We can shake but can't crumble.

I made my way to Baltimore on Monday for records and warm drinks with Kate and stayed up all night with Bepstein and Jack. The following afternoon Chris and I drove down to the REI in NoVA so I could finish up some packing for Costa Rica (although still not done), and then we made our way through downtown DC so I could meet up with Lela, my friend from birth 'til death. We got manicures and pedicures and had dinner and gossiped and giggled...I see Lela briefly for only a few times out of the year, and every time it reminds me that we remain stable with our months apart. I have so many friends strewn about this country that I never see, sometimes for months or years, and when I do it's like we never left. I need to remember that physical presence, for a long time, meant very little in many of my close friendships, and those close friendships often survived the distance. I need to channel this confidence into my relationships here in the mid-atlantic and step away knowing they aren't houses of cards.

Tonight will more than likely be my final good-bye to my friends in DC. Hopefully it will be enjoyable.

5 (or photos from the past few days.)

2008-12-25T07:52:00.000-06:00

4 (or "may the winter be cold outside and warm in our beds" indeed.)

2008-12-19T08:25:00.000-06:00

i'm in bed reading ben snakepit comics and eating indian curry, which was the closest thing i found in the apartment to migas.

i began anti-malaria drugs yesterday which is a hard hit in the amount of time i have left. two weeks.

i also braved the mall with alex yesterday to do sears holiday portraits for our families. they turned out pretty well, for sure. after five years of being best friends, we finally have photos together.

after the mall we returned to his house for the tradition of cookie baking and love actually watching with his family. the holidays with the houstouns is the closest thing i have to family gathering and christmas spirit. it's relieving on many levels, being welcomed into a large family and tradition. sitting in front of the fireplace with a glass of champagne or decorating a christmas tree while tessa plays the piano...a dinner table set for nine and hours of discussion after the meal concludes. it's an environment so unfamiliar to me that it's somewhat of a living fantasy every year.

alex leaves for colorado on the 23rd and will only be home for a day or so before leaving for palestine on the 1st. i'm excited and nervous for his departure.

dc is full of invitations, as well as some repulsions. i left towson and baltimore with smiles and surprises...the last night of the semester i played my first game of beer pong (too gross) and drank a lindeman's lambic (too sweet) and talked for too long about plans that won't actually be made (two nights in a row). the following night gave me incentive to stay in baltimore, more than ever, but alas alas, things will hold strong while i am away.

so i look forward to the coming days, shuttling around maryland and the district, where my heart strings won't snap or sting, just flutter.

3 (or it's all downhill from here.)

2008-12-18T10:43:00.000-06:00

and downhill is always too fast.

i finished my final exams this morning.
my apartment is filled with blank walls and dust bunnies.

the next 24 hours will be comprised of infectious pop-punk and light-hearted farewells.

...but this time it's more serious of a good-bye than what i can relay through a high five.

2 (or ducks in a row.)

2008-12-14T12:49:00.001-06:00

I had my final appointment on Friday at Passport Health to get my Pre-Rabies #3 vaccine and my anti-malaria medication. The fifteen minute trip cost me just under $450, which brings my total to $1100 on vaccines and medications. I begin the anti-malaria medications next week.

Friday night my roommates and I threw a holiday/good-bye party for our apartment. One graduates and moves to Turkey in January, and the other two will study abroad in Denmark and Italy for next semester, leaving our apartment vacant and to be taken over by the soccer team. It might be the most successful party I've ever thrown in my collegiate career. Cheese platter, mulled wine and cider, silk nog, baked goods, snowflake-making and holiday coloring book drawing. More than 30 friends came to share their evening with us and it felt good to have them in our apartment, there with us, celebrating as we should celebrate the end of tenure at Goucher, although three of us will return for our senior years. I had one of those "stand in the corner and cross my arms and survey the scene and be satisfied" moments, which I don't think I will get enough of over the next few weeks.

I spent Saturday in the city, seeing old friends and walking around as if it was summer again. My heart is still here, in Baltimore. At night some friends threw a holiday party in Hampden, and I saw a mixture of roots, here and DC. The integration I began to see this semester has really made me happy, and drawn me closer, I believe, to many of those I pushed away from at home in the district.

I don't believe people when they say they'll miss me, wrap their arms around me and say it repeatedly. I smile, yes, but I have yet to let myself invest in such words, believe that I have created something here that will not shatter and disappear before my return from Costa Rica. Something in me says I'll come back and the trains will all be gone from the station, departed and left me behind. Things will change, indeed, but I know how quickly by which four months can go, how this severance from the mid-atlantic has different intentions than all those prior. Is it even a faith I must have? No, I think it's more solid than faith. I just have to let myself believe it.

This period is the end. I would not call it the "home-stretch," no, that comes at the end of April; this is just the first run in terms of this journey. But it is the end, the end of Goucher, of Baltimore, of the mid-atlantic for several months, and I think knowing that makes me a bit of a flake. I gravitate toward plans I end up shifting toward others, sometimes out of comfort and other times convenience, and although 99.9% of my environment doesn't care, I feel I let down the .1% that does. If there are too many plans, I must force myself to do things not out of obligation but out of want.

The two things with which I struggle are obligation and responsibility, dependability. I play too much into these roles, partially because of the family environment in which I grew up, but also because I too quickly take the blame to subdue anyone else's failure or reaction in case it is reflected in my own self. This pattern gets me into trouble. Trouble trouble trouble. Whatever happened to the girl in high school who went to shows and did schoolwork, a presence but never a being. But now things are much more complicated and I spend too much time separating the tangled wires. Is there time to separate?

There is no time. I flip through my slingshot and there is no time to waste, which begs the question:

Do I savor or spend?

1 (or introduction.)

2008-12-07T17:01:00.000-06:00

In four weeks, I leave for my semester abroad.
I will spend four months in Costa Rica at the Monteverde Institute.
This blog is to document those adventures.

Today I attended the pre-departure orientation my college gives all students going abroad.
I realized I have to start making lists again and be more thorough in said lists.
Funny, because with thoroughness comes simplicity, at least this time.

The past couple of days were difficult for me; they were filled with overwhelming emotional anxiety, triggered partially by the stomach flu inhabiting my body over the weekend. My mom read me two chapters of The Wind And The Willows over the phone, and I cried throughout, falling even deeper into a panicked state. This anchor will not be accessible in a month. When the fear hits you, it's terrifying. The goal of going abroad though is to get over those terrors, am I right?

I'm not someone who typically shows a weakness for travel; I've gone on tour across the country, spent multiple weeks at a time thousands of mile away on the west coast, go to college...but some part of me says that this trip is much more consequential. Is it though? It's longer, that's for sure, and I will be in a cloud forest, not on a friend's couch. It's just a moment, a blip of insecurity, and on the days when I feel healthy, I know this experience will absolutely RULE. I know that when I'm sick, too, but less stoked when I'm a physical and mental wreck.

Expect and assume nothing.