Not surprisingly, everything becomes more complex as I become more settled. Branching out socially has pros as well as cons and I wish I embraced it more instead of resisted. I'm working on it.
Actually, not really. It stresses me out. Midterms this week don't make it any easier. My lack of appetite is a clear signal that I'm starting to let things get to me, as usual. I need to quit it.
Last week I called Alex and Kate and my heart absolutely swelled and poured out through the miles and miles of cables and wires and satellites and whatever keeps my veins running through these countries back to home. My whole life perspective is shifting and I'm really excited about it. There are some things I want and wholly embrace. Others, I don't.
On Thursday I went to Moon Shiva. It was my first time out since the first week or so of our arrival to Monteverde. It was nice. Spent most of the night talking about wine and cheese parties and My Bloody Valentine. My abhorrence of bar culture is slowly breaking down because of non-creepy attention. But that might also just be how things work here.
Saturday morning I woke up at 4am to head to Puntarenas. The last time I spent the day at a beach was over four years ago during my homestay in France. Puntarenas was nice. There were fiestas all weekend so the beach was pretty crowded. The water was perfect. We stayed with Maribel's aunt, who hosts a handful of students herself. One of them was around, a 20 year-old Tico named Dennis. They set us up on a date. It was awkward and strange and we were both pretty shy. It was pretty great, actually. We went out to the parade and walked along the beach for a few hours and more and more stars came out and my Spanish skills kept us at a good pace of discussion. So, I've improved a lot, essentially, or at least have more confidence in my literacy.
On Sunday he accompanied us to the beach again and we swam in the ocean and did more walking along the coast. Around 2 Maribel and I leave to return for Monteverde. Plans to return? Perhaps. After Nicaragua, sure. But that was that, or so I thought.
He called me last night. I guess I made a bigger impression than I thought. And I flipped out in my head. Maribel kept saying it's nothing, stop worrying, and I should, but I can't. I don't want this. So I'll ignore it. I want to study and read and go out and meet people and make friendships. Last year I got way in over my head in romantic pursuits and it really left me in a bad place at the end of 2008. I want to establish myself here in my own identity, in self-sustainability, and I don't see myself being able to accomplish that with men liking me, whether I choose to pursue them or not. I have a great distrust in fast-moving things. I purposefully didn't bring anything with a memory attached to it on this trip.
I am stubborn in my willpower. But I can't afford to put trust in anyone except myself and my groundwork right now. And I won't. I won't back down.
I have work to do, anyway.
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